Dad,
Today would have been your 53rd birthday. It has been 5 years since you left this earth, a frail broken shell of a man. I typically like to keep your memory alive on this day by doing something, and this time I wanted to write you a letter. I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and it seems like the more time has passed since you left the more and more I think about you and the legacy you left behind. I think about you every day pops, and I just wanted to clue you in with what I have been up to and whats' going on with Mike and I. I will start with Mike. Mike still lives in Monticello. He doesn't live in the old house on River Road anymore. The place was starting to get pretty run down so Mike and his girlfriend live in town now and are renting a house. It's a pretty nice place they have. Mike lives with his girlfriend Brittney. She's a good kid and I think you would like her. I know she would laugh at you and some of your stupid jokes. Mike still works at Welter's Storage. He's doing pretty well there. They seem to like him and he busts his fucking ass at that place. He just bought a new truck last winter. It's a Ford. You might not approve of that, but it's loud and looks pretty sharp. I think you'd like his truck. He takes good care of it. He still plays guitar, and he has only gotten better since you last heard him. I remember the times you would show up at Pumpkinfest in Anamosa to watch him play. One time you showed up completely shitfaced and Gravy Jay and I had to take you home later that day and you had us busting up in the car all the way back. You really pissed us off that day. Sort of embarrassed Mike I think. He forgave you though. Anyway, Mike is still playing and yeah, he's pretty good. He sings songs now too. I don't think you ever got to hear him sing. He's pretty good. He makes me tear up every time I hear him play. I can't help it. I think it is because I know the pain he has experienced and when I hear it come out in his songs I just can't help but break down a little bit. A few weeks ago he caught a 26 inch long rainbow trout. 26 fucking inches! Can you believe that shit? He and his work buddy ended up smoking it. Too bad you weren't there to smoke it with him. I know you would be proud of the man Mike has become. I know I am.
Grandma is doing pretty good. She's 75 and pretty sharp yet. Her dog died a few months ago. I know you hated that fucking dog. I did too. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. I am going to look through old pictures of us and try not to cry in front of Grandma. I don't think she has ever seen me cry and I don't know how she would handle it. I don't think I have ever seen her cry either. I guess I don't know how I would handle it. Funny how that works. She doesn't talk about you too much. Probably hard for her. I know she loved you, to put up with all the shit you put her through for 48 years and good god man, did you ever put her through some bullshit. Like that time you and Dan Hamilton brought the tear gas to school back in the 70's. Fuck man, if you pulled a stunt like that today you would be in prison for life. Or that time you did some concrete work around the foundation of her house and wrote in the fresh concrete "THIS WILL COST YOU A 12 PACK OF OLD MILL AND A CARTON OF MARLBOROS." What the fuck man? That was a straight shit head move. That shit is still there. I see it every time I go see her. A lasting imprint of your arrogant rascal ways. But I digress. Your mother is alive and well. She gets lonely sometimes, but like I said I am going to see her tomorrow.
As for me? I dunno man. I think I am doing alright. I work as a pest control technician now. Bet you didn't see that coming did ya? I work in Cedar Rapids. I have been doing it for about 2 years now. I really like it. I get to play with bugs and rodents every day. It's pretty cool. And hey guess what? I bought a house in Cedar Rapids too. I suppose I am doing ok for myself. I make pretty good money. More than I thought I would ever make not having a degree or anything. I live here alone, save for when Tony is here. You remember Tony. You met him at my graduation party. You made turtle soup. It was awesome. Tony liked it. I want you to know I appreciated when you did stuff like that for me. We had a good turn out that day. You were always an awesome cook. Yeah, I am still single. I have met a few awesome girls over the last few years I was really into, but for any number of reasons the feelings were never reciprocal. You know what I mean? Sometimes I can be a tough egg to crack and it takes me a while to get comfortable around someone, especially if I really like them because the pain of rejection is something I have always struggled with. I know you did too. I know it hurt you bad when Mom left you, but she had to do it. I remember the last time I talked to you when you weren't in the hospital. You were pretty coherent that day. It was late August 2008. The sun was shining. We sat in the yard in lawn chairs and watched the sun go down over the river. I remember it like it was yesterday. I stopped over to have a few beers with you, and I was actually struggling with some stuff myself. A girl I had been dating had broken it off with me, and I came down there to let off some steam. We had a good talk. You gave me some good insight that day. So you know what? Even though that girl broke it off with me or whatever, we became really good friends and I still talk to her this day. All because of that talk that you and I had. I know dudes don't like to be "friend zoned" but in this case it was the right thing to do. So yeah. I am still lone wolfing it. There is nothing that pains me more in my life than knowing you won't ever get to meet my kids. I plan on having kids one day Dad, and I really wanted you to see them. I have a feeling you would have been an excellent grandpa. Life's not fair though right? Remember Nick Kremer? Robby Kremer's boy? He got married last weekend. I was his best man. He technically had two best men, his brother was the other one. It was an awesome time. We all got shit faced at the reception and someone (I think Derek Kurth) requested the DJ play "Seminole Wind" by John Anderson as a dedication to you, because that was one of your favorite songs. Boy was that an emotional moment. Even though you've been gone for 5 years, people still love you and remember you. I wish there was a way you could know that. So yeah, things are OK I think, though I have been run down lately. I have a great job, a nice little house, I make more money than I ever thought I would, but I am not truly happy. Maybe it is because I am alone a lot. I have been drinking a lot. I know you wouldn't like that. It's something I am working on taking care of. Don't worry. It seems to be the only way for me to take my mind off things. I won't let it get out of control. You know I am stronger than that. Speaking of stronger, I have been hitting the weights pretty heavy. I wish you could see me. You always marveled at the size of my biceps, and now they are bigger than ever! I am stronger than I have ever been. I look a lot like you when you were in your prime. I could definitely beat you arm wrestling now. I could probably kick your ass too, like I always wanted to when I was a teenager. You had a good ass kicking coming and you know it. I don't play in any bands anymore, though I would like to find some like minded dudes to start something cool. I have a hankering for it again. I need that sort of outlet to get out the negative vibes. Know what I mean? I will find something I am sure. I guess to wrap this thing up, I miss you a lot pops, and I wanted to write this letter to you on your birthday because maybe it helps me deal with the grieving, even 5 years later. This time of year is always a bittersweet time for me. Summer ends, and we begin the slow crawl into the beautiful autumn season. It is just a melancholy time of year. I went down to the river a few weeks ago to see you. It was a beautiful day. I could feel you. I still hear your voice Dad. I can still hear your laugh. When I am down by that river I can feel it all. It all comes rushing back. I still remember all the times in your old brown Chevy truck when we would go up to Uncle Haney's to ride mini bikes and fish on the sand bar. You always had Billy Squire and ZZ Top CD's crackin' in the truck. Man you loved ZZ Top. And now I love them too. You were a great Dad. Despite your many shortcomings. You taught me so much. I'll never forget you. I love you Dad. Hammer on Ramrod
Sincerely,
Benjamin Jeffry Tjaden
