Bachelorhood

There has been a topic I have been wanting to discuss for awhile now, I just haven't quite decided how I want to go about doing it, but here goes. I want to talk about bachelorhood. I guess a lot of you who read this probably know me fairly well, and if so, you know that about 98% of the time I am single. Sometimes folks wonder why I don't have a significant other, or wonder why I can't sustain a functioning relationship. I often struggle with relaying a sensible answer when asked this question. I will do my best to address this here.

 I think a lot of my perpetual bachelorhood boils down to me simply being wrapped up in my own head, absorbed in my own little universe I have created for myself. What I am trying to get at here, is I like to do, what I want to do. I know that sounds completely selfish, and it is. I have been in a few short lived relationships over the years, and often times when I feel like I am being yanked out of my comfort zone, or placed in a scenario I am uncomfortable with, I panic and run away. I guess this blog sort of helps me explain it the best. As silly and pathetic as it may sound, this is a topic I have had endless discussions with my mother about. Her theory is that I "haven't found the right girl yet" and "I will know when it is right". Well, I just turned 27, and I often times wonder if that is the case. I put a lot of blame on myself. For example, I don't want to go to a club and dance and mingle with a bunch of pretty people I have nothing in common with. I don't want to watch network sitcoms and feign interest in whatever is going on in the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy(is that still a thing girls do)? I am also not going to be your fucking "redneck romeo" so to speak. (Why do so many women want a redneck romeo? Having teeth is good right?) This is the sort of scenario I do my best to avoid. I am also very aware that one must make "sacrifices" when they are in a working relationship. Only problem is, I have been (mostly) single for so long, I know and understand the alternatives to any sort of scenario like this that gets lobbed my way. When it comes down to going out to a shitty dance club and shelling out cash for expensive drinks, as opposed to hanging out with my idiot friends and laughing about primitive, stupid nerd topics and drinking tall boy PBR's, I am almost always going to opt for the latter. My idea of a fun night in is hanging out with a few close pals and blasting our favorite Nasum album or whatever sort of Grindcore filth we may be infatuated with at any given time. Like I said, it boils down to selfishness on my part. Then people might say, "oh you just need to find a girl who likes to do those things too". The odds of any human female wanting to engage in such activities is fairly slim. Meeting women is hard. Actually approaching them with the intent of courtship is even more difficult, to me anyway. I can't approach women in a social setting. It typically goes like this: I see a girl who catches my eye. She appears to be single, so I make decide I might approach her. That is when I play out a scenario in my mind. What do I say to her? What do I not say? What if she is visibly repulsed by my presence? What if I stutter?(I am prone to fits of stuttering when I am nervous) And Jesus, what if she has pepper spray? These all cycle through my brain, and I end up not going near her. Even with the prompting and goading of my cronies who I might be out with. I have tried the online dating circuit, it is somewhat alluring, but even with that nothing seems to stick. Most of the women on there can be fickle, and they know what they are after, and usually, it is not a feller like me. Sometimes I wonder if my apprehension toward a fruitful relationship stems from the rocky marriage my parents were going through when I was a child. That can easily be refuted though. My brother who is 3 years younger than me has a very good relationship going with a girl he has been with for almost 4 years, so obviously it didn't affect him. I have also had several friends of mine who suffered through miserable relationships and wasted countless years of their lives with horrible, life sucking women. But I have even more close friends who have great relationships and are married or currently engaged to be wed to women they love. All of these are just examples I try to apply to myself and glean from them what I can. I just don't want to be stuck in a situation that it might be hard to get out of. Sometimes being a red blooded heterosexual male can be tough. The urge to procreate can get the best of a guy from time to time, and I have had my share of failed conquests with women who have kicked me to the curb and moved on with their lives. I don't want to make it sound like I have been some sort of heart throb or lothario, because I am far from it. I have however, had a few potential women come into my life, briefly try and understand my many foibles and idiosyncracies, get fed up, and move on. It happens. In hindsight, a few of them would have made for great girlfriends. If any of them might be reading this, well, maybe now you know why things went the way they did.  It is going to have to be a spectacularly weird and eccentric woman, to understand me I am afraid. Someone who laughs at all of the strange things I like to laugh at. Someone who I can talk to, and not just talk for the sake of conversation, something truly engaging and interesting. So far, I haven't found anything like that. To sort of wrap things up so to speak,  I am aware of my many shortcomings and writing it in this stupid blog makes me want to work on being a better human being. In the meantime though, this perpetual cycle of bachelorhood works well enough for me. I can do what I want, when I want, and not have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or alienating anyone in the process.

With everything I have stated thus far, I want to make it clear that I am very happy with my current situation. Living alone, in my little home and doing whatever simple nerd activities that I find myself dabbling in whenever I am not working. I am however, very open to the prospect of meeting a gal to spend time with and potentially settle down and create adorable little offspring. I feel like I owe my momma grand kids, and goddammit with all the shit I have put her through, she has rightfully earned it. I guess I just haven't found the right one yet. Oh shit, maybe momma does know best