Speculation and Grace Beneath the Collapse of Civilization

Last night I put on my sunglasses and went outside, so I could watch the sun collide with the moon
There were colors, explosions, sparks, and embers.
 I watched the fire fall to the earth, and listened to the sounds of scorched grass and dying animals
 The night came alive in the faces of the screaming anguished. The pain in their faces and the panicking throngs of people rushing the streets

I watched this display unflinchingly, as I laid in the grass on my hill. I was calm, and eased out of my shoes and felt the wet grass pallid beneath my feet, and I was reminded of the first time I saw you
I remembered the way you walked into the room. I remembered your smell
I thought of the way you would rub my hand when I went to grasp it. The colors in your eyes and the wrinkles in the corners of them. Your skin and it's smell, the way you observed me when I talked, and the way you kept patient when I stuttered
The first time you took my breath away. The night was aglow under street lamps. You kept me tight and held me close, and for the first time in my life, I felt like I was part of something that was greater than my own pathetic,moribund existence. I felt 36 feet tall
You were always warm and smiling. I was the sightless worm beneath the boot
You wore your sun dress, and I remembered your elegance and grace as you slipped out of it
I remember the way you would tug at my hair when I tasted your womb

I remember when you told me all the things I never wanted to hear about myself
The night my dreams fell back to earth, and I returned to the pit. Desperation, isolation and despair. A return to reality. Gutted, emptied, bleeding and stricken down. The harsh cold repugnance of being and the strife I always knew, came roiling back and spat in my face. An inevitable collapse. Crucified by the illusion of love. A cold, callous reminder. My eyes rolling back and cowled in shame

I wonder where you are, and I wonder if you are watching the sky like me.
I wonder if you are scared, or if this fire and ash, and all of the dead things around us are amusing
I know I won't ever see you again. I almost don't think I need to
I hope you think of me, the way I thought of you
Surrounded by the brilliance of the fires, the embers and their dance
Somehow I think you'll find the beauty of it all, and maybe you smile. Maybe you laugh
The sweet, languishing irony. If we survive maybe you can sew up my wounds
Hear the children screaming, the sirens all blaring
Behold the water, shimmering under suspended fire 
I hope it reminds you of me. I want you to see the sight of a fiery rain
I hope you cherish it as I do When  the sky line collapses and the air is too thick, I wonder if I am among your dying thoughts. Everything is so bright here. I hope you wear sunglasses, too

When I watch it I will be smiling. I hope I'm the last one alive